1 day in and it’s beautiful. I have plenty of nourishment for my child. the affirmations were right, my body knows what to do. how wonderful that I can sustain another life with my body.

2 months in and I dreadfully wanted to quit this amazing gift. I feel as if it’s not worth my sleepless nights and bloodshot eyes. at this stage I am in pain, water touches my breasts and I do not feel the waters cleanse, instead I feel jagged broken glass cutting at my skin.

somehow I survived. I did not give up.

3 months in and I reluctantly welcomed back my monthly visitor.. with her arrival my sons (only) food source was quickly diminishing..

not now ! I wanted this more than ever now ! I’m not ready, he’s not ready !

somehow I survived. I did not give up.

fenugreek, chia seeds, oatmeal and salmon, brought back my liquid gold.

and now my son drinks like he hasn’t drank before, like he hasn’t drank in days. milk spilling out the sides of his mouth, it was beautiful.

I grew proud of his leg rolls, I gave him those, me.. the way nature had intended.

5 months in, and his toothless grin is gone. he’s biting now. biting hard. and I feel like I want to quit again. it hurts so much.

he bites for fun, he bites for more gold.

I tell him no, but he looks at me as if I told him “its so adorable when you do that,” he continues to bite for a couple weeks, I cried.

but I survived, I did not give up.

the whiplash from wanting to keep nursing and wanting it to end is so maddening!

if this is something so untaught and natural, why does it feel so challenging?

8 months in and I’m his pacifier.  he needs me when he sleeps, he needs me for comfort.

I can’t unlatch him, he will scream. he needs me to let him keep suckling.

10 months in and it’s all going great. he’s healthy. its an established routine, I am happy that I breastfed my son. I made the right choice for us.

truthfully some times I need a cigarette, sometimes I need a harder roast of coffee. but he needs me. some times I frankly need some space to breath and let my body recuperate and rest. but right now he needs me.

I will survive, I won’t give up.


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